The Ultimate Guide to Wedding Etiquette

Planning a wedding is hard work, especially if you don’t hire a professional wedding planner (seriously, hire a wedding planner). Aside from the added emotions, difficult conversations and unexpected hassles, it can be difficult to know what is right to do in any given situation. That’s where our experts come in! We’ve complied the ultimate list to some of the most common wedding etiquette questions to help guide you through the tough subjects.

Who should I tell about my engagement first?
Let’s start the etiquette tips right at the very beginning! The excitement of an engagement is hard to keep on the down low but avoid broadcasting the news (photos included) to social networks before sharing your engagement with family and friends. If you have any children from a previous marriage, they should be told first. Parents, family members, godparents, and anyone you are particularly close with should also be told before the news is public knowledge.

Once all of your VIPs are in the know, feel free to post, snap, tweet and share as you see fit and watch as the good wishes start rolling in! Pro Tip: A day or two after you share the good news, be sure to follow up on your posts thanking everyone who sent love your way.

Should I include registry information on my invitations?
This is still considered a major faux-pas and won’t be changing any time soon. Your wedding invitations are a way to let your guests know you love them and want them to be there to witness your wedding vows—not a place to ask for gifts. Sure, slapping the URL on the bottom would be easy, but your guests know that you’ve registered somewhere, so play it cool. There are two acceptable (and polite!) ways to spread the word about your registry.

The first is totally old school: Word of mouth. Make sure those closest to you (parents, grandparents, and your wedding party) know where you’re registered so they can send guests in the right direction if they get questions. The second is a little more modern (and super easy): On your wedding website! Print the link to your site on an invitation insert so guests can easily find everything from your room blocks and weekend schedule to, of course, your registry. You can link directly to the registry site for extra-easy shopping and keep all of those different stores in one place.

Should I register for gifts if it’s my second marriage?
Whether it’s your first marriage or your third, you can still register. There are plenty of people who may want to give you a gift, including those who have attended a prior wedding.

If you feel uncomfortable about receiving gifts, it’s a good time to get creative and sign up for a honeymoon registry. It’s also perfectly fine to request guests do not bring gifts.

How do I get my guests to RSVP?
Give guests at least 15 days between the invitation’s arrival and the RSVP deadline to figure out the logistics. Sending pre-stamped enclosure cards or permitting RSVP via email may also encourage guests to respond faster.

Approximately one week before the numbers are due to vendors, make follow-up calls to guests who have yet to reply. This is a great time to ask your wedding party or family for some help.

If I know someone cannot attend, do I need to send them an invitation anyway?
An invitation usually comes with the expectation of a gift, and you don’t want people to think they have to give a gift even though they cannot attend. If someone lets you know that they definitely have a conflict, don’t follow up with an invitation. In the case of close friends and family, you may want to send an invitation anyway with a note that explains you are sending it as a keepsake.

If someone asks me to be in their wedding, do I have to ask them to be in mine?
You shouldn’t feel obligated to reciprocate if you don’t want to. If you feel uncomfortable about the situation, ask them to be a reader or to fulfill some other role in the wedding. Similarly, it’s a nice gesture to include your fiancé’s siblings in the wedding party, but you are not required to do so.

Who do I invite to the bridal shower?
The bridal shower is a pre-wedding event that typically has a smaller guest list and occur in a more intimate setting, so anyone who is on the list must also be invited to the wedding. Inviting them to only your shower would imply that they’re good enough to give you a gift, but not good enough to celebrate on your actual big day.

Don’t be afraid to speak up to whoever is throwing your shower (even if it’s a surprise) and insist that you have final say over the guest list. This will ensure that anyone who is invited is included on your master guest list, too.

For my destination wedding, how can I make my guests feel welcome?
Welcome your guests from the get-go. Maybe throw a party on the arrival day. Goody bags filled with essentials, snacks and local favorites are a nice touch too. Make it easy for your guests to arrive to the destination location and enjoy themselves both before and during your wedding. Give them instructions about the itinerary, weather conditions, local restaurants, etc. and keep them informed and connected during the wedding weekend.

How do I make sure my wedding party is taken care of?
Your friends are committing time and money to be a part of your celebration, so don’t forget to be a good friend right back! Depending on your budget, pick a token of appreciation that your bridesmaids and groomsmen will love long after your wedding day. A price point between $75 and $150 is a good place to start, especially considering how much they’ve spent on travel, hotel rooms, and the attire you’ve chosen. If you can afford it, it’s also nice to cover hair and makeup for your bridesmaids the day of the wedding—especially if you’re insisting that they have it professionally done.

Can I skip the open bar to save money?
The bar may end up being one of your bigger expenses at your receptions, but don’t make your guests pay for their own drinks. There are a few ways to cut costs without asking them to fork over any cash. Consider one of the following:

Serve signature cocktails
In addition to giving guests a taste of your personalities, signature cocktails cut back on how much booze you’ll buy by limiting it to specific recipes. You can also add a few beer and wine offerings to offer variety without breaking the bank.

Skip liquor altogether
Mixed drinks really add up, since there are mixers, garnishes, bartending costs, and liquor involved. Instead, choose a few beers and wines that will pair well with your menu, and make those the evening’s only choices.

Have a limited open bar
If you can’t imagine nixing the cocktails altogether, break the evening up into two parts. Have a full open bar during cocktail hour, then serve beer and wine during dinner. Most guests will naturally make that switch anyway (you’ll see way more beers in hand on the dance floor than cocktails!), and you’ll spend less on liquor.

Buy it yourself
If your venue allows you to bring in your own liquor, purchase cases yourself from a liquor store that accepts returns of unopened bottles. Ask a pro to help you make sure you purchase enough, and know that you’ll be saving a hefty percentage by not ordering through your venue -- and possibly getting some money back at the end of the night.

Go thematic
Depending on your menu, you can easily choose a bar package that supports the theme and eliminates the extras. If the meal will be Italian, opt for red and white wines, plus an Aperol Spritz. Serving Mexican food? Pair it with Coronas and a margarita bar.

What vendors do I have to feed?
You will have a variety of people working all day to make your wedding happen, so make sure that you take care of them and feed them. Most vendors will stipulate in their contract that the client must provide a meal, so make sure your caterer knows exactly how many people you will be feeding. You’ll need meals for your wedding planner, photographer, videographer, DJ/band, and any assistants. Most caterers have pre-set options or serve the same entrée that the guests will be eating.

Be sure to ask your vendors about dietary restrictions and ensure there is a quiet place for them to sit down to eat. Be sure to keep timing in mind so that your DJ or photographer don’t miss any big moments like toasts or first dances.

Do I have to say hello to everyone at my wedding?
While a formal receiving line is losing its popularity, it’s still important to try to greet all of your guests over the course of your wedding. Share a hug and a quick chat during cocktail hour, then move on to the next group of guests. Make sure you’re served dinner first, so you can eat before circulating among the reception tables. And hop from group to group on the dance floor so you can boogie with different sets of friends. Guests will understand that you’re trying to make the rounds, so don’t worry about keeping it short. But don’t stress: Try to see everyone and make a mental note of who you didn’t talk to so you can say “hi” and give them a hug during the morning-after brunch.

Can I skip the cake?
There are certain traditions, like cutting the cake, that are okay to omit. Instead of cake, you may opt for something that provides more variety such as a candy bar or a selection of pies—it’s up to you. If you do skip the cake, be aware that the cake cutting ceremony and serving of dessert is typically the signal to guests that it is okay to leave without being rude.

How long do I have to send out thank you notes?
It’s a good rule of thumb to send your thank you cards within three months of the wedding. But, the sooner you can get started, the better. Instead of letting those gifts pile up and turn into a marathon evening of note-writing, stay on top of the task. Keep a running list of who sent you what and stay on top of writing your thank-you notes. By keeping good records and sending notes early, you’ll show guests you care and avoid the possibility of forgetting who the giver was or whether or not you actually sent that card.